me... the past

someone very dear to me sent me email today... asked me to help grow deeper and stronger spiritually. i didn't know how to respond to that.... cause i am not a counsellor... but i know there are people out there who battle with the cage i was locked in for most part of my life. i do long to see them free... and for the past couple years that's what i can say i am. i am free from depression... from my old insecurities and heart-aches. i am not claiming that i am perfect.... far from it!! i guess... the best i can do to help is to tell my story. it may have to be in pieces... because i can't possibly cram everything in at once... but i believe... it would help...if not many... may be a few.

one beautiful Monday morning, i was born to a joint family of 16. my birth was attended to by a village midwife since my village didn't have a hospital...my parents are godly and dad was (still is)much involved in church activities... so i grew up heading to church every sunday... participated in every family worship. i remember the excitement when i got hold of my first bible... gifted by my uncle. church and reading bible are fun when you're a kid!... lots of stories.. about noah and the arc... moses and the ten commandments...jesus and his disciples...the miracles...the parables... i remember dad teaching me what salvation was all about. i remember the 7th of april 1998... i asked jesus into my heart...seemed to me the best thing to do...

now, years of going back into the past... dealing with it, have revealed that for the most part i am happier not remembering many things that happened to me when i was a little girl.... some of my first memories of life were intense and extreme shame. i lived with many cousins... among bullies. everyday i'd be threatened that i'd be thrown into a river...if i told the truth about/report what they did. i heard enough and more... how ugly i looked... how dark i was...how i came into the family by accident... that my parents and none of my relatives love me... that they were only pretending if they showed a bit of affection towards me. so i was taught to lie... to steal... to pretend...and more... all of which i hated. when you were so little... so fragile and tender... many things you have seen and heard... many things you've done thinking they were the right thing to do. things you never dared open up to anyone.... when you think of them there's nothing to feel but shame and hatred towards self.. towards people around. no one ever told  me those were wrong... but i felt intense hatred and shame...i felt like i needed to hide all the time. i lived in fear of rejection.

i was a smart kid at school...i've always passed every test with good marks... family loved me... i was a talkative and entertaining child... very social... but for some reason... when that thing 'past experiences' come over... that dark cloud... i hide away in self hatred and in pain.

whatever kids go through these days...ARE NEVER INTENDED TO BE... whatever they are afraid to share with their parents or loved ones. these things that kept me in hiding....determined the way i acted for many years. cause in revealing, i was afraid i would be unloved... disgusted...unsafe. i acted to protect myself. i always wanted to be the best...the centre of attraction...i always wanted to be praised... not just because i enjoyed it but mostly because i hated my self so much, i thought if all people around me told me i was amazing i would believe it myself.

but trust me it's never enough....

from my experience with working with kids for several years... i know there are many... neglected by busy parents...loved ones... who feel they don't get enough attention... with, endless scenarios of things happened when they were little..when they were learning about life. hurts, wounds and bullies have messed up their life, their thought process and scar their behaviours.

thats why i would  say...your heart is the most important thing that you possess. what your heart believes is what will determine how you live, how you move around with people, how you see yourself. many of us have had things that have happened to us that seem beyond repair... but i'm here to say... there is no pain too great, no cut too deep that, Father's perfect love and truth cannot heal.

i've been through this journey of finding this healing.... and in the arms of God who created me... i've found out who He says i am... who i REALLY am!!... this feeling is FREEDOM!!

so remember, you are worth more than you could ever imagine.you are loved so desperately to the point of dying for... on the cross. Read Isaiah 43:1-10, Isaiah 49:15, Jeremiah 29:11.....

you are precious... no matter what happend.. there is someone who knows it all... and loves you just the way you are!!

God loves you and bless you!!!